Approximately three weeks ago, just prior to the minor coup d’etat at ShinRa, Inc, a copy of the coroner’s report was obtained by inside reporters. The report details the wounds the President received as being “created by a sword, most likely something very similar to the Masamune.” The cause of death was listed as “numerous stab wounds to the torso, especially around the lungs and diaphragm.” Security reports from that night suggest that it would have to have been a person with high-level access to the President and back door security.
New President Rufus has yet to comment at all on anything regarding this case and has in fact appointed the man in question to the position of the Head of the Department of Public Safety and Maintenance, a position formally held by General Heidegger, who was disciplined and fired for his traitorous actions. Doubtless, President Rufus will want to look into these allegations before General Sephiroth is officially appointed and confirmed as the Head of that department.
Some folks will agree (and just as many disagree, but more on girly-man Reeve Brannon later) that running the not-so-free world is a difficult, and that anyone attempting to do so is allowed to find some creative way to relax (for example; getting sued, getting caught in a sex and/or drug scandal, pillaging and burning small towns, renting a hooker). But the public must draw the line when such an elegant, sexy man as President Rufus Molly ShinRa begins to loose his sex appeal.
Gasp! THE Rufus ShinRa?! Never!
Well sorry, ladies (and the rest of Rufus’s fan club, headed by Reeve “I Have a Pink Fetish” Brannon), it’s true. In a fit of drunken desperation last week, Pretty Boy ShinRa dyed his hair an incredibly obnoxious shade of pink that only young girls and Mr. Limp Wrist himself (aka, Reeve Brannon) seem to find attractive. The rest of the population is ignoring him from the eyebrows up, preferring instead to stare at his tight little rump as we all pray that he changes his hair back to blonde.
Aries: The stars hate you. They’re just waiting to see how long it takes before you give up and curl into a ball in the corner of your office and wait to be smited by the paper work gods of doom.
Taurus: Two words: anal probe.
Gemini: April fools day pranks should be limited to April 1 only. Try to be serious today, and maybe life will give you some pink lemonade and one of those cute little umbrellas.
Cancer: Do everything you can to make those around you laugh. The good karma may come in handy when that family of goats runs you over.
Leo: Don’t worry. There will be plenty of time to be sexy next week, when a bit blow up allows you and your lover to work through problems and finally get to know each other well enough to make love on their couch with the living room window open. Until then, stick it out and ignore your bad hair days, as well as the resulting press. You’re still one sexy beast.
Virgo: Nobody likes a know-it-all, but if you say that to the cop, he’s going to take away your donut.
Libra: Ringing Satan’s doorbell and running may seem like a good idea, but trust us; you’ll get yours.
Scorpio: Nothing much to worry about this week except for the impending destruction of the world. But don’t let it get to you.
Sagittarius: Try to avoid using cliqued phrases in your business conversations. On second thought, don’t use them at all. Originality and the element of surprise are the key ingredients for avoiding a smack down this week.
Capricorn: Concentrate on your romantic life first. You need the practice.
Pisces: Anybody crafty enough to drug their bosses into unconsciousness so that they get to leave early and gets away with it deserves better than you’re gonna get this week.
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